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Πες, που περπατώ;
πες μου, που στεριώνω;
Στα πέντε πόδια πέθανες, στα τρία είσ' οριμασμένος.
Οι δρασκελιές σου δυνατές, θαρρείς σαν από γίγα.
Όλο ζωή κι όλο χαρά, συμφορές δε σε σωριάζουν.
Κι αν ποθείς απάντηση σαφείς, αυτό μόνο σου λέγω:
Παντού ΄σαι στεριωμένος,
βαδίζεις επί τόπου!
At the crossroads
It is almost a year ago, since I wrote this poem on the 10.10.2006. I thought
it is neat to post it with the marquee tag (and play a little bit with it).
At the crossroads
Glaring Joyful Panting
Gasping As Before, Intense!
Thine Eye I Uncover Bold!
Enthralled, Submerged, Can't Follow!
Running Uncontrolled, Me Overwhelmed!
Arches Sprouting Aloft!
throw away all your clothes
all your doubts and worries
hug and kiss life
step up to the open window
embrace the respirating air
don't forget to blow a kiss
to the lighthearted pedestrian outside
then you can finally depart
laugh and the world will laugh with you...
...weep and you'll weep alone. But never your weeping is in vain.
A recent fortune cookie of mine suggests "You are very close to your aim".
If that is so, I only need to reveal what this "aim" is, what it
consists of. And even so I have to be patient; "close" can mean anything
from a locality to a point in time. "close" can mean anything from "here"
to "the end of the world", from "now" to "the end of time". I'll be patient
and diligent... and in the end that "aim" will reveal itself to me.
I wonder what all the colors and shapes mean... Lots of plain red,
bordeux red, hearts and diamonds... but no black and spades and clubs...
sounds like a royal flush to me [*laugh*]...
I never knew that angels and archangels of the heavens could be the source of inspiration. They are almost impossible to perceive.
'Heaven's mirth amidst the mournfulness of earth'
The sky is vast,
the possibilities innumerable,
how elusive everything seems,
do I dare to live?
I'll gratefully dwell
where my heart rejoices!
I'll gratefully endure my heart
when it aches, when it brakes;
it will revive, it will reveal!
Vulnerable the heart is meant to be;
vulnerable truly
to those daring to live
an autumn alley
seems to me as if my karmic nature or life itself has a built-in
failure-recovery-mechanism of some sort...
Touché!
Various unsorted thoughts, events, musings:
- not being vigilante enough
- magic/pre-magic: responds to certain mental/handling events (jealousy of the having-a-seat variant, gestures of lifting and reaching by (2x))
- Q:"me childish is?" A:"for thy age, yes!" (plus the true meaning of the french 'touched!' taught on this occasion)
- let's have lunch on that rainy friday (quoted thought here)
- 'musiv' cousine
- type: teaching/good-doer and then at some point resigning (social-worker, school-teacher, aikido-teacher...)
- recognition of sadness of an intimate nature
- having yet another deja vu: sitting in a treasured triangular company facing to the left
Now for the quasi-poetic part:
life bears its beauty,
sometimes of unbearable scale
its origin concealed to the unaccustomed eye
yet of innate inspiration
for the pathfinder to claim
fogless, noisyless sight
Sometimes it scares me to have to myself from where I'm standing (from my 2m-above-the-ground-perspective) certain things appearing so clearly and simple as they are...
a ping of life
Inspiration and dedication of this poem are to be attributed to Chris:
'Sincerity'
essential spine
humble opinion thine
nothing there to spare
every single secret shared
Die Maid senkt seufzend ihren Blick
welch Umstand ihr Gemuet getruebt?
wahrlich trostlos diese Welt
sobald die Bluete ist verwelkt
...
Der verwelkten Bluete Kraft
die Erde wirkungsvoll naehrt
vollkommene Schoenheit wahrhaft
der kommenden Bluete ist nicht verwehrt
signs of life
...well, life is everywhere... and so there must be some life left in this deserted blog of mine...
...it seems to me there is no Kihon Dosa (Aikido-term for "basic movements") in my current (new since april 2002) company...everything seems to me much to "free"... mmhh, that's quite my undisciplined self projected in the surroundings...
ta panta rei --Heraklit
(translates to: everything/all flows/changes)...and so does tradition... there happen things that seem to violently brake tradition... but always there is a reason... and there is change...
it is also about getting to a point where there is no turning back... otherwise it is a shallow, not wholeheartedly done thing... this "moving always in safe/known areas"-scheme is static, lifeless (and weak because it is not progressing, it stoped learning essentialy)...
...this is true courage... leaving the "safe well known areas" and going for new unexploited areas... this very courage defines pioneers and their acting...
listening to Joe Hisaishis' "hanabi"-soundtrack... very intense feelings expressed there...
my love and thoughts go to my parents, who are haunted by seemingly reasonable fears... my past ignorance for family affairs surely has done its additional work here....
yet another poem
I wondered what Sokrates' mailbox-greeting would be if he would be living among us these days...here's the result:
'Des Herzens Worte'
Etwas Wahres
in Worte zu fassen es dich drängt:
so predige!
Etwas Gutes
zu verkünden du gedenkst:
so frohlocke!
Etwas Notwendiges
zu überbringen an dir hängt:
so fasse dich kurz!
und nicht sinnlos die Worte du bemühen sollst
let go...
...there is this new/old small plant in my office, which grows huge leaves from one central stem. Each leaf has a considerable weight and its stem holding it bends strongly... I removed now two decayed leaves which were still firmly attached to the central stem... another third, perfectly healthy looking leaf "let go" of the central stem... those two ill leaves still hanged on desperately, while the healthy one just let go, still in its strongest growth... I intended to further comment this but now I will just leave it like that, speaking for itself (and you guys --I hope-- beholding (well, sort of), and not judging)...
hmm... I think I'll post now the very first poem of mine I surprised even myself with almost twelve months ago (it's in german)...
Unendliche Schönheit, nicht sichtbar für jeden,
erhaschte meiner Seele Blick noch eben.
Doch gemach, der Ewigkeit Glück
ist nicht von Ewigkeit während,
nur für den Augenblick geschaffen,
für die, deren Herz rein,
ohne Furcht und Zögern beschaffen...
life kisses you...
...two years ago my nephew was 10 months old for visit with his mom in Munich... he was so refreshing and I have learned a lot from him regarding being open, daring, curious, ever-persuading, attentive and most of all: *natural*...
... I especially will not forget that one afternoon, where everyone got asleep (his mom, his grandmom) except me as I was "looking after him"... so I was sitting next to the balcony's door-glass, while he was standing on my legs, leaning with his hands and his head/face on the glass "playing"... I was very exhausted and tired at that time... he suddenly turned his face towards me and kissed me on the cheek the way he "kissed" the moment before the balcony-glass "accidentaly", out of his child's play...
... this "childish", random, with "no meaning" action of him was very moving... why should one be deeply touched by such a coincidental, banal, senseless occurance?... I am talking here about just "receiving bliss" wondering where it came from so suddenly with no obvious sane reason... recognizing and really become aware of such things is very enlightening and delighting...
The Spiritual Warrior(s)
..."Holy Bear" announced to me today while I was next to her at her desk showing/explaining her something on the screen, that she just sensed a dwarfen-like soldier/warrior accompanying/protecting me. She was very (pleasantly) excited about this and found it remarkable. She explained he is wearing a mighty ancient armour... this statement and excitement of hers has surprised me as well... she suggests that if I concentrate/meditate on this warrior I would recognize/see him myself...
...I often have intuitive thoughts, that "life/lifeforms" are protected by countless experienced, fearless, unwearying, fierceful warrior-elements/life-units of unquestioning devotion and loyalty... every form of life has this kind of invaluable protection... I feel that ... otherwise fragile life would not manifest... life would not occur...
even if you hate weed, it grows; even if you love flowers, they decay
...you know this is a great relief for me hearing that in the UA Flight 93 (that crashed in Penssylvania missing its target) some passengers decided to regain control of the plane. They obviously heard via handy-calls about the WTC-plane(s) and decided to put fate in their own hands than rather leave it in the terrorists' (who are BTW "only" knife-armed, no rifles)...
... I wondered anyways whether in the two WTC-planes any passenger(s) had (in time) the intuition that they would die anyway and try collectively to regain control of the plane from the just-knife-armed terrorists...
...yes, the WTC-assault is a tragedy indeed... but thank god there are heroes... I especially hoped for passenger-hero(es) and indeed there were...
kotsu kotsu no... -- japanese for "step by step"
...just realized that the german saying "wer nicht hören will muss fühlen" dumb is and that it should be "du musst fühlen, nicht hören"...
...Stefan mentioned that he would probably spend a few days for vacation with his girlfriend, so Sensei asked whether it is the same girlfriend. Stefan replied it would be the same he came last time to the BarBQ... and Sensei concluded: "Ahh, the one who spoiled the beer over you (over Stefan that is)!" [*laugh*]... I always interpreted that "beer-spoiling" of hers over Stefan as an (admittedly extraordinary) expression of her sincere feelings for him...
...o.k., back to this "empathy"-thing... it reminded me of my cousine's dog... she told me about a few occurences where she was psychologicaly absolutely down and the dog not only sensed that, but stood by her side watching over her restless in a very attentive way (which obviously was a great comfort and relief for her)... I cannot stop thinking about the fact that the dog itself had some serious injuries, but despite it's injuries it continued it's hunting activities (it literaly begged for it), thus having itself an intense "suffering-experience"... that cannot be coincidental...
just a mental note:
...dammit, what is the meaning of those deja vu things... I had yet another one in japan on tanegashima-island coming out of that corner room, where I slept...
"alles reift um Gabe zu werden und erfüllt sich im Opfer" -- Andre Gide
...back from japan-vacation...
...been welcomed by a "bordeux-lila-colour" dressed Nelly (superb outfit BTW, as always) at work... cherry-wood for printing-craftmanship has been mentioned (my mind assocciated cherry-blossoms and -colour)... dammit, what's all this colour-thing about... is there a point I am missing?...
...hmmm... "empathy"... is a good word I was looking for for quite a period of time... a supposedly german translation for empathy is "Einfühlungsvermögen"... also a good word...
...I shall spend a (huge?) entire post these days on my japan-visit-experience...
two frogs in the well...
...[*laugh*] had a really long talk with Franz on Friday night on the street. After class and after having a drink with the others we went to our (his car first) cars. There (he had his driver's door open with one foot in the car intending to get in and me on the street waiting for him to get in) we had a very heated discussion about sense and nonsense of life, god, enlightenment etc. from 23:30 till 02:30 (!)... time passed like nothing...
... I never knew Franz is/could be like that (he has always been known as the "funny austrian"-guy to everyone)... I assured him dispite the fact there is no sense there is some (he was in particular very upset about those seemingly useless, senseless historical massacres of several highly nature-cultivated indian-races)...
do what is to be done, no matter the outcome -- me
...eating some oreo-cookies along with some milk...
...funny... talked with Phoebe yesterday about my soon to start japan-vacation... she told me to deliver her regards to the deers (Jesus! I already gave up this deer-thing!) in Nara... she then continued: "but it's nothing about bashful deers [*you tell me...*]; they are used to being fed by visitors with bought special cookies".........
...[*how very true!...*]... she is so right!... You know, it's like the deers suffering from mad cow's desease...
e.g.: recently at work, we were gathering for lunch and "smooth bull" Kris asked "(bashful?) deer" Kat wether she would join our group... she hesitated and was mumbling around very undecisive... "O.k., you join us!" I said in a decisive manner... she said "No, I don't think so..." still undecisive... as I approached her to pick up her jacket and place it on her shoulders to emphasize the decision taken, she suddenly burst uncontrolled: "DON'T TOUCH ME!"...[*???...pardon me? did I miss something?*]... needless to say I completed my placing-the-jacket-on-her-shoulders-sequence (without touching her of course! What was she thinking anyway?) and she was making uncoordinated mad-cow's-desease-like movements with arms and torso to avoid(?) being touched(?)... she was furious!... Smooth Kris commented according to the laughable scene: "Are we 'zicking around'?" (somebody e-mail me the appropriate english word please)... "Yes, I am!" she replied... [*decent retreat of mine, watching out for any possible backstabing-assault of hers*]...
... cool, huh?... you apply with an ally some smooth instant moves out of nothing, magically, virtually unbeatable and are presented with this interesting response (obviously, regardless the magic and stuff blabla, there was no harmony)... (or it was the only way to beat such an unbeatable form by breaking it violently, unnaturally?...whatever...)
...subject change: Angi's getting married end of August (thank god I am not *that* smooth lately and I didn't try anything dumb)... nevertheless there was magic (again)...
"you can scratch all over, but that won't stop your itching..." -- depeche mode
... I am having the last days an unbelievable itching all over my body... I am scratching like mad, which of course does not stop the itching, but nevertheless bears some kind of temporary relief...
...my foot is doing much better now, but it is still very weak (I noticed today in early class)... BTW, Shochu-Gei-Ko started of with 16 people today...
...and the scratching goes on...
"I just had to destroy something beautiful..." -- quote from the movie "fight club"
...I just have to, too (and I will)... I don't know... "strong light throws strong shadows"... its time to get to be the shadow side (strongly) I guess after being for awhile exclusively the light...
... for being infinitesimally pissed, life still smiles much to kindly at me [*laugh*]... for example my neighbor's kind "hello"-greeting (I was in a rather generic anger-mood with a generic anger-face at that time and I didn't greet back) overlooking my recent misbehavior disturbing really late at night...
...had another interesting scent-identification-experience tonight concluding a certain colleague of mine was searching for me while I wasn't in my office...
... I have a bad feeling I'm getting in this strange "ChallengeThyFateByDoingConsciouslyReallyStupidThings"-mode once again... you know... where you are standing like an idiot after you've done your ReallyStupidThing(tm) expecting the worst asking fate: "So?... I'm waiting!... punish/kill me!... whatever!" and nothing happens... those moments are very enlightening...
...oh, well...
the yellow origami-rose
Yes!... Finally!... I folded yesterday the beautiful "Kawasaki-Rose"...
...that task kept me busy the last few weeks and really got me mad and desperate at times... I already had a (yet another) very discouraging failure yesterday (I got me some useful hints on folding the Kawasaki-Rose from the net) round midnight... for some reason I started yet another attempt and finally figured out the final crucial "3D-foldings". I finished that lovely peace of art round 2:00pm very delighted. In fact I improvised a stem and some leaves out of green crepe-paper I happened to have available and assembled a complete yellow rose (which was immediately given away; but that is another story)... all those past folding-failures have been worth it and were justified in the end...
"get serious!..."
...yes, Sensei's "get serious!"-advice...
...the romania-weekend was very interesting... I somewhat had a different kind of attentiveness this time... outer form expresses inner attitude... it was very interesting to see this apply in many phenomena, circumstances and people...
...I finally managed to get up fast from seiza after a looong siting and waiting period of time, ruining my right foot-joint's strings (interesting sound BTW) on Saturday... it was about time for some (with a correct attitude) suffering and learning...
...young Klaus seemed to me very quick learning, attentive and also well considering and critical... he grasped quiet a few things surprisingly fast...
...the departure was very pleasant (if we overlook that expensive wrong-departure_date-ticket-story)... I was rather exhausted and not really attentive at that time so I didn't see come the warm hugging&kissing farewell which overwhelmed me...
...back at Munich-airport a powerful "extended blink of an eye" incidence took place... lucky me had and felt the magic again...
nothing is what it seems...
... that's why i'm trying not to interpret anything in anything...
...i'm a sorry excuse for mankind these days... i'm avoiding trouble and work wherever i can... i cannot enjoy listening to music... i leave things unfinished... and there aren't even short-timed tasks i perform completely concentrated (in fact there is no concentration at all)... everything i do is bad in the beginning, bad in the middle and bad in the end... no balance, no center, no awareness, no effort, no will, no fight, no emotion, no responsibility, no compassion, nothing...
a rose for a rose...
...[*sigh*]... the "rose-assault-thing" was an utter failure... I guess my timing was horrible (much to late), my faith weak...
...it was the only pink rose there (all others were red and yellow), well hidden in a corner of the whole building-complex behind some bushes...it was leaning over, almost lying... I noticed it on wednesday noon and knew immediately it was *no* coincidence [*grin*] and knew what has to be done [*yet another grin*]... what I didn't know... no wait...I mean what I screwed up is: I hesitated... I hesitated big time... [fade-motion to the friday dawn-scene with me and a swiss knife in my hand] as I gently cut the rose almost all petals fell to the ground... Aaaaarrrrggghhhhhh!... sheer horror, dude... I just didn't believe this... can you believe this?... I must have been crouching there for at least 5 minutes in front of my doom before recovering... I picked up the petals and went up, still shocked... some silly ideas for an alternate usage of the petals instead of the rose crossed my mind, all of them useless (none of them ideas came "out of nothing")... thank god "the shock" wore off and the petals found their destiny in the soil of one of "my" plants in my office... to my very suprise I noticed on the same evening the petals shrinked and already almost completely decayed... it was good...
...another notable thing taking place on friday:
...on the afternoon I went buying some supplies from the near store... as I entered the back-entrance elevator completely clear-minded (or out of space, if you prefer) a weak scent of something with definite traces of nicotine attracted my nose and in the same instant the word "Barbara" flashed in my mind... so my conscience returned back to planet earth and asked "What did you say? Barbara's been recently in this elevator? O.k., let me check..."... I asked Barbara whether she just had her "open-air" cigarette-break and she confirmed it... that rose-story in the morning must have inspired and improved in a subtle manner my scent-recognizing-abilities somehow [*laugh*]...
nothing needs to be done
...listening to the theme from "Sleepless Town"... it's soothing, yet very powerful...
everything *is* alright -- me correcting Stefan's "everything will be alright"
...remember yesterday?... the taming of hearts?... I didn't expect my heart to be touched as well on the *same*(!) day in that particular way... that Alex's office-moving-thing really hit me... nothing spectacular one might think (I thought so too), but it evolved during the day to a real killer... the meaning of it? I am definitely sure I received a similar feeling I delivered when I quited my apprenticeship... I understood... and this understanding overwhelmed me...
Strange enough that experience left me later that day an emotional bundle... Nelly was a kind soul and tried to cheer me up...[*that day morning I wondered how her hair looks untied (I recall her always having a knot of some kind in her shoulder-long hair)... funny enough her hair *was* untied... I realized that it wasn't the first time I saw her with untied hair but it was in fact the first time I did it in a truly conscious manner*]... as she tried to cheer me up I was thinking "I do not need any cheering up"... I was wrong... there was again some kind of heart-touching-bussiness going on...
...a minor/major note: after a discussion today "Holy Bear" implied I am wasting my (supossedly spiritual?) energies... I don't know if she actually meant by that my exhaustive, exaggerated arm-movements I used during our talk to emphasize my insights... :o)
everything will get *better* -- Stefan correcting my "everything *is* alright"
chainreaction...
...so many things happen... so fast... so many possibilities... and so much power is involved... and exhaustion... and intense emotions...
Takagi-san's handshake (no, it was a "handholding") with his both hands was overwhelming... and disarming...that very same "shaken/holded" hand tamed and overwhelmed yesterday a few more hearts... I did not intend to do anything particular... it just happened...
The Firenze-weekend had it's effect. I wanted to abuse it to get back "magic" (an abusive kind of). Thank god it didn't go like that. There was magic nevertheless. I have to think of that young waitress in the chinese restaurant having a bad day. The dishes seemed to hate her; spoons fell on the table and the like. She was thankful, when these nasty beasts where at least gathered and handed her over and was going like "grazie...grazie...mille grazie..." ...later on when we waited outside the restaurant for the Senseis to finish their bussiness, my ears perceived the sound of dishes falling to the ground and breaking. My feet carried my body without hesitation to the inside again and my hands picked up the bigger parts of some broken cups... the waitress returned with the broom-tools and found myself placing the bigger cup-sherds into her bin... a tired but nevertheless happy smile along with another set of thanking words were drawn forth from her... Sensei asked the waitress "trouble?..." but she just politely apologized again while starting to clean up the mess... my feet decided by then to carry the rest of me to the original possition out of the restaurant... during that whole scene there was no gap for a thought or intension whatsoever...
"Das reue Scheh" -- direct translation: "the dashful beer" :o)
O.k., let's start of with the coincidences: What do we have?... mainly "deer" (tons of deer-coincidences) and on a minor scale the "cherry-blossom-color". There is this endless "deer-hunter" ranting with Tolis... then the new deer-wallpaper on my PC-desktop... then we have this bashful deer trying to copy a tutorial about a particular older german charachter-set having a deer-example (the word "deer" with an image above it). The latest is a true coincidence; the others are arguable. Then we have this very same bashful deer with that cherry-blossom-colored jacket... we have the cherry-blossom falling on a water-surface revealing, that it was just a projection of the moon ("Last Blade" I played lately)...
...Hmm, reminds me of yet another coincidence: I couldn't show to Pascha the Samurai's traditional tying up of the sleeves preparing for a fight (Watanabe-san, whom I asked to show it couldn't remember as well). I noticed yesterday a FUBAR-version of this knot in "Last Blade" (the "X"-part of the knot was on the front!!! Horrible!)...
...yesterday...raised the kite without raising it...
...the last one turns the light off...
It is just amazing! I met Basil in the underground-train, whom I haven't seen in a long time.He doesn't like beeing called by his old nickname so I corrected myself as soon as I noticed he didn't like it. Guess what's the news... he and his girlfriend are expecting offspring in about two months! I did not ask for details, I didn't want to be too curious... he seemed to me excited (in a good sense) and he said "stress..."... I said "positive stress, isn't it?" and he agreed with a meaningful nod... It was heart-warming...
Now to the coincidence part: Nick from college, Basil and a particular guy from that basketball-match yesterday, have all similar face-characteristics... There lies some occasion in the air to meet Nick now that Tolis is starting his new job as a colleague of him...
I understand Tolis had also a (coincidental) surprising encounter (well, sort of...) with a certain old good known individual (or should I say an encounter with fate?)... :o)
 | life... it hugs you... it caresses you... |
the day after...
adendum/postscriptum (sp?) to previous post:
As soon as I went to bed and closed my eyes, the image of a pair of bleeding detached hands flashed (with a very frightening impact) in my head... I do not dare thinking about a possible meaning of it...
fury unleashed (well, ...not really)
Mmmkay, this is going to be a very disturbing post (so be it!).
Lately, a few guys are behaving as if I have killed someone. The disturbing part is that these are guys I care about most. Even more disturbing is, that their reasons are those of an either "I'm mad at *you* because *you* did that"- nature (read: "I'm still carying the past with me and I haven't got the slightest to do with it; it is exclusively all your fault") or "I have to behave carefully for not allowing misinterpretations occur"-nature (read: "Wohoww! Careful! There he is! Do *NOT* under any circumstances talk or even [pardon me?] *greet* him! He might want something from you afterwards")...
Guys, can we cut that crap out? Please? I guess I should *really* kill somebody to have you talking to me again. But I guess that would be then something in the way of: "Oh my god! what have you done? You need professional help! I care for you, you know I always did... (insert your favorite StandardMajorBullshitICareAndIAmAGoodFriendYouAreAVictim(ByThatIMeanAsshole)IAmAnAngelPreach here...)".
Guys, I love you (still) but please try to be *good* actors (these performances are more miserable than those in the uncompared Larry Ludman karate-movies [nothing personal, Larry...] )
Sad... truly sad... I know this kindergarten is my own projection, but I still don't understand what the hell is going on in me... this sheer anger... what it means and how to cope with it...
love ya...
"victory means nothing to him... the fight is all..." -- Ryu's SF2 ending
(Began and) finished Marie Jaoul Poncheville's "The little Shaman" (in german). I already knew it would be a good book. It has a nice and of all a very honest conclusion (the story's main character as well as the author's dedication at the end of the book). The main character sums up (which definitely reflects the author's mind at a certain moment in time): "I know, I do not know everything. And even that tiny knowledge might be just pure illusion. But I will move on with that tiny key in my pocket." A humble conclusion for a being that obviously came in touch with the way of the heart... and a brave decision to fight on rather then rest with the current insights or even give up and fall back...
...my conclusion/insights for now?... difficult... there are at least a few. I'm feeling traped. Traped because I know what life is not. Traped because I got a few hints what the nature of life is most likely. Traped because I tasted the heart-way which also happens to be a "hard-way" (yes ladies and gentleman, behold this yet another coincidence-phantasm of this world's poor possesed soul: the phonetic similarity of the words "heart" and "hard") but reveals true blissful moments and further trustworthy hints about the nature of life.
So it's up to me to choose (as if I haven't or should I say: "it"..."he"? already decided). What is missing is responsibility, courage, sacrifice...
And now to something completely different... (no, not the larch...) a late answer (is a wrong answer? read on :)...
my most blissful moment in life Kuraudiachan?
wrong question!
[*unconditional faith*]
is the right answer
my most embarrassing moment in life Kuraudiachan?
wrong question!
[*unconditional fight*]
is the right answer
...that was soothing! :)
"i shin den shin: from soul to soul"
Ahhh, yes... the instantanious communication... with perfect understanding... with no purpose... just oneness...
Tolis replaced the japanese shin-logo of my handy. He sent some other japanese kanjis he found in the web not knowing they actually mean aikido (my guess was he *knew* what they mean and sent them to me to cheer me up or else)...
A minor (or major) note (with coincidental charachter): Sensei is since yesterday in hospital for that surgery. Round 11:05 (today) I received a concerned mail whether I'm o.k. Strange enough I had a sudden feeling of faintness at that time...
"if the soul wants to perceive its nature, it must look into a soul"
It's really weird. Sometimes I think I'm interpreting to much into events/phenomena, but sometimes they seem all to clear...[*laugh*]... the seduction scene with Joan Severance in the movie "Payback"... the backyard kissing scene with Holly Hunter and Elias Koteas in that movie with Danny De Vito and Queen Latifah... nothing but a projection of what is going on inside of me... of what was created/transformed... and it isn't even a question of who or what was first there (because distinction is separating violently that which isn't distinct; because the sense of time is making a fool of us)...
It isn't even about intuition... intuition can be the same an obstacle as rational thought...
"...just when it began...he took your love away..." -- george michael
Well, that's it... I guess this is the end of my uchi deshi experience. I stated my purpose after morning class. I did it in a state of calmness (which I didn't expect) and urged him in a plain sentence to not consider me as a personal pupil anymore. His response was calm and plain, too, according to that of a true teacher...
Yet another death, yet another birth. The japanese kanji for death -shin- ,I put as a logo on my handy a few months ago, seems to have foreseen this big change...
"Thoughts are like a wild monkey"
The flue I got during the last two weeks(!) (that's a new personal record) really left me down. I am somewhat disoriented with no real motivation/passion/whatever for anything or anyone (I think "pathetic" fits fine in here).
I hope that little monkey named "thoughts" in my head won't get to hyperactive during this physical and psychological downtime of mine...
"Want to live forever?"
Watched the movie "Starship Troopers" on DVD at Senad's place. I constantly had a taste of Blizzard's "Starcraft" and Origin's "Wing Commander" during the whole movie in my mind. In one scene there even was a strong "Conan the Barbarian" stimulation (yep, Valerian's infamous "do you want to live forever?"-quote). A mighty phrase... it implies more than just courage or the typical samurai-attitude of being prepared to die at any moment...
Another interesting pure coincidence is the (un)frequent use of the kotegaeshi technique in non Steven Seagal movies. One appears in "Starship Troopers" executed by the Drill-Instructor finishing it of with an arm fracture (the scene has a horrible cut though). Another one I noticed in the movie "Blade" (I watched recently also) executed by Wesley Snipes right in the first fighting scene in the disco (a regular throw).
"What is the sound of one hand being kissed?"
I don't know what's going on. On my way to the dojo for early class (around 5:30pm) I was filled with bitterness (I was considering once again quitting for ridiculous reasons). Just when I thought I got over it, Stefan arrives and asks me innocently how I'm doing ("everything o.k.?") [*Hell, no! Nothing's o.k!*]. The bitterness suddenly arouse even mightier in my throat. I raised my shoulders and made a resignating motion with my arms. Tears forced their way to flood my eyes. This situation should last for the next fifteen minutes...
During class, Sensei told us about the last known seppuku commited by Yukio Mishima (I recall having seen a movie about him). His kaishaku (supposedly a pupil of him) was so anxious he slashed the first time Mishima's shoulder and only in the second attempt he succesfully decapitated his master. At that time Sensei worked at the Tokyo police department and was told by another officer who investigated in that case, that Yukio Mishima's head was found with a bizzare grimace biting his tongue. Mishima supposedly decided to asphyxiate himself after his pupil's failed swordstrike by biting his tongue and then swallow it (I didn't quite understand what the exact technique for this is supposed to be: something with relaxing particular muscles...).
During jyu-waza exercise, Anton managed to plant himself in front of Sensei for being his uke. It sure was an amazing scene (Stefan confirmed that later) as I was dead-serious to get to be uke on my part as well and almost colided with Anton.
After class, on my way to the showers, Stefan and Birgit stood in the hall chitchating(sp?). As I aproached them and saw Birgit stroking her nose with her hand it made *click* in my head and I reached out for this very hand of hers [can we say "emptyminded"? :) ..."where there is no intension, there is no thought!"..."here and now!"...] kissed it and immediately, with no hesitation, continued my way purposefully for the showers. If it was a comic-strip there would have been huge decorative questionmarks floating over Stefan's and Birgit's heads initially. It was a very pleasant moment: nothing was forced or provoked, it just happened so naturally...
...in the showers I should learn (surprisingly) about Oleg beeing a Zen-Buddhist of the Rinzai-tradition...
hmmm... deleting requires next entry posted to "republish" deletion of previous post?... [yep, seems that way...]
O.k. this is going to be "blogger's first steps with html"
[this brackets-text is surrounded by two html break-tags]
Yet another html tutorial: wired's html basics tutorial.
Hmm... what about some pure html tag-delimiters: < > ... escaped ones?: \< \> ...
I got to log the "Systems2000-incident" on occasion. Man, that was a tense week. Coincidentaly (again) in that week took place those infamous "your most embarrassing moment in life" as well "your most joyfull moment in life" we were discussing on friday before Systems2000-week after class in the pub. Well, actually those were new "moments" exceeding previous ones (frankly, I wasn't really aware of any previous ones)... reminds me of the saying I read in "Seisachtheia": "whatever big decisions/accomplishments one makes - life is bigger"... [Man, and I wanted this to become a short senseless "test-post" to test deleting... oh, well :)...]
Most noticable recent event happened on last Saturday (13. Jan. 2001) flying back from Tokyo. I finished the book "Angry White Pyjamas" and was considering which book to start reading next. I decided it would be "The Little Prince" from Antoine de Saint-Exupery. Coincidence wanted it that I was flying with AirFrance to Paris for a connection flight back to Munich. Needless to say I finished the story effortlessly on the same flight. I had to cry. I'm not sure what the *exact* reason was. I guess it was the profound wisdom of this author I think I grasped... and the moving last year I experienced and was reminded of (in terms of "true bliss/happiness emerging from suffering")...